Letting go of ghosts from Christmas Past

I took this photo using my webcam tonight! I've never tried it before, but was exchanging photos with my niece in Thunder Bay. But when I look at this picture, it hits me...I look happy don't I? I am!

Christmas is my very favourite time of the year, my favourite holiday, and I have always loved decorating for Christmas. I had a funny experience last weekend. I pulled out my Christmas boxes and opened one to see all of the tree ornaments I have collected over many, many years. I haven't had a tree up here yet, so forgot what was in that box. I burst into tears to see them - they were like old friends. In the colours of the ornaments, I could remember every colour phase I had in my old house in Thunder Bay. The blue phase, the cranberry phase, the pear phase (OK, pears are not a colour, but I got lots of gold that year). I held the strands of tinsel we used to wrap around our trees and I tried to imagine those old Christmases but I couldn't. It is like a different person's memories. It's sad, but it's good too - it means letting go and moving forward.


River (left) and my boy Thorn, Christmas 2006 in my Thunder Bay house. Thorn died on Christmas Day in 2007 from Hemangiosarcoma (Cancer) after a three month battle we fought together. Every Christmas I think of this wonderful dog.


I think back to my last few Christmases and the transitions I've been going through. I hardly even recognize myself anymore. I've been working out and dieting and sometimes I stop at a mirror and just stare at this person. I wonder why I didn't do this a long time ago, but I also realize that to lose weight you have to change inside first and believe that you deserve it, that you are a worthwhile person. You lose a lot of mental weight first, and then the pounds can come off. It is like something inside becomes unblocked. I've a way to go, but know I am well on my way.

This year, I am spending my first Alberta Christmas without friends or family here from Thunder Bay. I have so many new friends here in Alberta I know I will be busy (or as a friend says, bizzy, LOL).  I'm planning to spend Christmas with friends and may even spend some time in Calgary or maybe Banff or Canmore. I don't even know! It's all a glorious, exciting time.

Three years ago my best buddy Thorn died on Christmas Day. I should have known he was dying but I wasn't thinking clearly and left him alone. I can hardly forgive myself, except I know that with his big heart, he would not want me feeling that way. I sat with him all day, wondering what happened in my life. He had always been there for me. I should have been there for him.



Last picture of me (my hand) with Thorn. Ahh, Thorn, I am so sorry...

 Every year I tell myself that perhaps by leaving him alone for an hour, he was able to let go. God Bless you Thorn. Every Christmas I think of that dog, and how special he was - and he died on a special day to give it more meaning for me, as years go by. His passing allowed me to move on and come here to Alberta. His death actually marks a turning point in my life and I can't put in words how having Thorn by my side for 10 years gave me a lot of love and strength when I needed it.

Last year, my sister was here and we had so much fun. I can hardly believe it was a year ago. This year has been crazy, busy and so full of positive changes. I've been to San Francisco and Maui, Hawaii. I've met people and done things that make me so happy. I'd have never believed I could find such peace and happiness - there are days I literally feel like a teenager - and in fact I am re-discovering myself and the cheerful, loving girl I used to be. I am grateful for everything that has happened that's brought me here now.


Another view of my Thunder Bay home and my last Christmas tree. Maybe this year I should get a real tree again, especially since my Church house has such a high ceiling! I miss my house, but Alberta is now my home.



But I do have this crazy artifical purple tree, and it's funky - I do love it!




Jet waits for Santa, Christmas 2009